Well I was told this morning that the Indianapolis chapter has 140 views hourly! That is awesome and I’m so proud of all my fellow RCG girls for making all of our dreams become a reality! So I decided to post my personal thoughts today for everyone to read and for me to get things off my chest.
I have two things that are eating away at me lately, 1. being a single mom and 2. being single. Now when I say being a single mom I don’t mean that my boy’s dad isn’t around because he is. God knows I am thankful each and everyday for that man being the best father that my boys could ever ask for. However, I am the one who has them Mon-Fri, getting them up and ready for the day, cooking dinner, cleaning house, homework, baths, doctor appts etc and putting them to bed to end the day and let me tell you it’s hard work. For me it’s important how I raise my boy’s simply because they’re boys. I want them to grow up respecting me and all women, knowing that I went to any extreme to make their lives better and easier. I want them to know that I struggled and that things aren’t handed to you. You are in control of your destiny and I can only hope that I am giving them the life as children to help mold their destiny as adults. 2013 was the hardest year of my life and even though I am in a better place now, I still find myself questioning myself as a mother. At the end of the day nothing matters to me except how I made their day, did I make them feel loved, did I teach them anything useful or did I disappoint them? Being a parent is the hardest job on Earth, you are solely responsible for someones life….and when you feel like you’re lost as an adult it’s hard to feel confident as a parent. Another factor that adds to my parenting stress is being broke! I can’t buy them the things I want them to have or take them the places I want to take them with no money. I know that kids don’t need all that to have a good life, I am providing a roof over their heads, food in their bellys and clothes on their backs but we all know as parents we want to go above and beyond to make our children happy. I just feel like I need to change as a mother and that I can do a better job then I am doing, which is why I’m feeling conflicted about the whole situation.
My issue with me being single is that I just don’t like it lol! Don’t get me wrong I am Miss Independent. I have always and always will have my own back. When it comes to a place to live or the car I drive, if I can’t afford it on my own then I’m not going to have it. Even when I was with my boy’s dad for 8 yrs, I paid for my own personal things. I am not going to live outta my means and rely on someone else. That is rule #1! So I don’t want someone there to pay my way, yes having help with the bills would be AMAZING but you never truly know that the other person will always be there so I have to live as if it’s just me whether it is or not. I am not a person who likes to date. I just find the whole situation exhausting. You meet someone, you get to know each other, sometimes you feel comfortable enough to tell that person personal things and then as soon as your guard is down a little bit, BOOM they gone. Then you start all over with someone else, a month with this person, a month with that person….no that shit ain’t for me. Plus on top of that I don’t believe in letting my boys meet every guy that I meet, it’s too confusing and not necessary. A lot of guys don’t understand that which leads to me not giving them the time of day. I have learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship, along with what I don’t want but I can’t find that person that I actually see myself making a life with. I think most of my issue stems from my last relationship. I had always heard there is that one guy that will change it for you (good or bad) and once that change happens you can’t just bounce back to your normal life once they are gone. Well that change happened for me and not in a positive way, but when things go bad you can’t just turn your heart off and not love them anymore. I feel as if I am forced to not be with someone that I love because it wasn’t a healthy relationship. I know that I am making the right choice but that doesn’t make it any easier. Going to bed alone at night, waking up alone in the morning and spending your kid free nights home alone is getting to me. I guess I just want what everyone wants, that person who you truly love and who truly loves you back and is there at the end of the day. Ahhh….and Ima end my vent session there 🙂